Career Advice for Lindsay Lohan

lindsay-lohan1Lindsay Lohan needs a job, dammit. Remember when she had “that Jodie Foster sort of seriousness and intent focus beneath her teenage persona“? Them days are gone. A friend has told the Daily Newsthat the actress is living on Samantha Ronson’s trust fund and the odd personal appearance. As one “pal” puts it:

“Lindsay’s money situation has never been great, but it’s only gotten worse over the last month. For every dollar she makes, she spends double. Her personal appearance fees are literally the only thing keeping her afloat. But here’s the rub: Because of her explosive relationship with Sam, she’s unable to get the type of cash she’s used to. The negative press and constant appearance cancellations are hurting her pocketbook.”

“Explosive,” you say?

Anyway, she’s coked up, seriously Sapphic, and her latest film is going straight to DVD. So what’s a faded star threatened with getting cut off to do?

We have the solution. Lohan needs to cut bait on her Mouseketeer/America’s Sweetheart persona and get in the art-house groove. There are plenty of directors out there taking home Cannes prizes and still starving. So Li-Lo, fire the agent, lower your rate and offer yourself up to them. You’ve already crossed the nudity Rubicon. Maybe it could be a journey into the disturbed psyche of a sexually frustrated woman. Or how about a journey into the disturbed psyche of an bored housewife. Or maybe just make a movie with Gaspar Noe. How about helping a poor auteur dust off one of those old Robbe-Grilletscripts that most be lying around? After the jump, we take a look at a handful of other glamour queens who decided to get their art house on. Lohan, hear us out: Jean-Luc Godard is still working!

Ingrid Bergman in Stromboli (1950)

Bergman was so impressed with Rome, Open City that she married the director Roberto Rossellini, leaving behind Hitchcock (and her first husband) for the joys of climbing up Italian volcanoes. She was condemned on the floor of the Senate. America’s loss was cinema’s gain–Bergman went on to make films with both Renoir and Bergman, Ingmar.

Jean Seberg in A bout de souffle/Breathless (1960)

Seberg was “discovered” for 1957’s Saint Joan, but two films later the blonde gamine couldn’t get arrested. In France, she was hired by the young Jean-Luc Godard. Seberg’s performance as a very modern femme fatale is assisted by an iconic haircut and the obvious confusion over what these Frenchmen think they’re doing with their cameras. Seberg later became involved with the Black Panthers and committed suicide, which is kind of morbid but still better than being remembered for rubbing off a VW.

Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)

Calling Julia Roberts! Davis survived the career crisis facing any middle-aged actress by teaming up with maverick Robert Aldrich for this supremely creepy tale of sibling rivalry. Her dementia was so convincing that Davis got an Oscar nom. After this shot of professional botox, she enjoyed a lucrative second life in shockers like Hush, Hush … Sweet Charlotte.

Brigitte Bardot in Le Mepris/Contempt (1963)

When France’s leading sex kitten met the New Wave’s most terrible of enfant terribles (even if he was 33), it’s hard to say who was the victor. Godard’s intellectual scrutiny seems to blanch before Bardot’s naked ripeness. But long after And God Created Woman … has been forgotten, this death march for cinema is the film by which we’ll remember her.

Jane Fonda in Tout va Bien (1972)

In spite of her public opposition to the Vietnam War, Fonda won an Oscar in 1971. So why not make a movie with the radicalized–yep, him again–Jean-Luc Godard? As the journalist wife of Yves Montand, she navigated the class struggle and participated in the greatest tracking shot ever filmed. Then she went to Hanoi, married Ted Turner and, uh, made a movie with Lindsay Lohan.

Molly Ringwald in King Lear (1987)

You remember her as Andie in Pretty in Pink. You do notremember her as Cordelia in this wacky version of the Shakespeare tragedy directed by … Jean-Luc Godard, the leading exploiter of actresses down on their luck neglected talents. But Ringwald holds her own against a fever dream cast that includes Norman Mailer, Burgess Meredith, Woody Allen, Julie Delpy and Leos Carax. Benjamin Button gets a Criterion release and this doesn’t? There’s no justice!

Nicole Kidman in Dogville (2003)

True, Kidman has worked with artists like Jane Campion and Baz Luhrmann. But putting herself in the hands of sadist Lars von Trier for a scathing indictment of the U.S., filmed on a bare set, would be considered career suicide for anyone else. Ever the careerist, Kidman assured von Trier she’d act for him anytime. Meaning Bryce Dallas Howard found herself playing the blinkered Grace in the Manderlay sequel.

Meg Ryan in In the Cut (2003)

Filmdom’s Sally happily stepped into Nicole Kidman’s knicked when the Australian actress left her old pal Jane Campion (The Piano) in the lurch. Ryan laid bare just about everything in this feminist “erotic” thriller, and the make-up department even made her look startingly like LaKidman. Campion’s attempt to rewrite an airport novel, however, was considered a little arch for some.

Natalie Portman in Free Zone (2005)

Fresh from stinking up the lake on Naboo, Portman went to Israel to work with the country’s leading director Amos Gitai. When a local breaks her tourist heart, Portman hops a cab and discovers how difficult it can be getting from A to Z in the Promised Land. Portman was so traumatized that the cab-driver won the Cannes acting prize she stripped off for The Darjeeling Express.

Angelina Jolie in A Mighty Heart (2007)

Bolshy Brit Michael Winterbottom is happiest when at the farthest fringes of civilization (In this World) or re-creating Third World tragedy (The Road to Gauntanamo). Jolie volunteered herself to play the anguished widow in this docudrama on the journalist Daniel Pearl’s murder by Muslim extremists. The production was fraught with stories of Brad Pitt-age and on-set mishaps. Jolie later channeled suffering in a more mainstream manner for Clint Eastwood.

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One Response to “Career Advice for Lindsay Lohan”

  1. crazy Says:

    Lindsay Lohan is such a crazy woman!

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