Why Jennifer Aniston Will Not Be in the Next Bond Movie

jennifer-anistonIs it worth even entertaining the notion that Jennifer Aniston wants to be a Bond girl? Only if it’s a slow news day. Let’s check the in-box … yep. Let’s take a quick look at Variety. Tumbleweeds, there. Let’s pause for a minute and listen to the music of the spheres. Hmm, definitely Bon Iver. Okay, let’s entertain the notion that Jennifer Aniston wants to be a Bond girl.

The most glaring reason why this will not happen is a matter of dollars and cents. While Bond has been able to entertain big budgets thanks to the success of Casino Royale‘s retcon, it very rarely splurges money out on its cast. With the exception of Halle Berry in Die Another Day, a film which is still used to torture inmates at Guantanamo, no Bond girl of the last decade or so has ever successfully tickled the A-list.

Quantum of Solace (2008): Olga Kurylenko. Career highlight to date: Lots of nudity in Hitman.

Casino Royale (2006): Eva Green. Career highlight to date: Our love for Ms. Green knows no bounds, but her highest profile projects–Kingdom of Heaven and The Golden Compass have both been stiffer than she was at the end of the Bond film.

Die Another Day (2002): See above.

The World is Not Enough (1999): Sophie Marceau and Denise Richards. Marceau is economical Euro-totty. The same year Richards made Drop Dead Gorgeous and Tail Lights Fade. Hands up who saw those. We thought not. There’s a reason Richards is was on E!

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997): Michelle Yeoh and Teri Hatcher. Credit the Bond producers with some savvy international casting–Yeoh is a big star in Hong Kong, but hasn’t translated it into Marley & Me-style BO. Hatcher at this point was dead in the water, with Lois & Clark having been cancelled and Desperate Housewives seven years away.

GoldenEye (1995): Izabella Scorupco and Famke Janssen. Izabella who? Famke’s fun, but at this stage in her career, she was fresh off of Relentless IV: Ashes to Ashes, not He’s Just Not That Into You.

License to Kill (1989): Talisa Sotowas a complete unknown when she was cast as “Lupe Lamora.” Some may argue the beauty hasn’t done much since. And when we say “some” we mean “everybody.”

So that’s not exactly august company Aniston wants to join. Even Kim Basinger, who played “Domino Petachi” in Never Say Never Again, was best known for a Playboy pictorial and TV movies at the time.

The Daily Express‘s source inside EON fudges history a bit when they explain what the production company is looking for:

“We’re always looking for the next Bond girl. She has to be beautiful but she also needs to have brains. It helps if she’s athletic and able to keep up with the intense stunt work a Bond movie demands. Jennifer has all these qualities. It’s great to hear she’d love to do a movie because we have used established actresses before such as Teri Hatcher and Denise Richards. It’s great she’s a fan.”

Aniston is also as American as a subprime mortgage and a snuggy. The best Bond girls have a hint of exoticism to them. Not for nothing does Ursula Andress seem to rise from the foam like a ’60s Venus. Aniston is cute, can be funny, and looks great with a dog. But can she do mysterious? Duplicitous? All we can say is, thanks for this morning’s entertainment, Daily Express.

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One Response to “Why Jennifer Aniston Will Not Be in the Next Bond Movie”

  1. Freida Pinto: The Next Art-House Babe? « SquallyShowers Says:

    […] only thing we can’t excited about is the rumors linking Pinto to the next Bond movie (along with every other actress in town). Sure, it’s prestige of a sort. But Bond is notorious for blowing his nose on actresses and […]

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